In my mind, the plan is to not go back to work until at least April (so far, so good). I also knew it was very important for me to make the best of this time and tend to some other areas of my life that I somewhat neglected over the years. First, was establishing some sense of routine (currently, not winning lol). I know it is THE thing that would probably make me so much more productive, but the days when I have nothing on my schedule are so few, that I usually use them to do absolutely nothing…no cooking, no cleaning, no communicating, no getting dressed, etc. I decided to get with a therapist to talk through some things during this time of transition. There were a couple of items I was experiencing under the “things we also grieve” list. Plus, my sister and I were having a conversation one day about our childhood, and this question came up, “How do you know that you’re healed (from trauma)?” I can tell you that I did not feel like I was burying stuff to move along, but that was my opinion. I’m not the professional.
My first appointment was actually December 27th. The assignment was to come back with my story from birth to present time and include everything I felt was major in my story or influential in my decision making. That was easy enough because I do not have the greatest long term memory. And it’s not a loss of memory. Something just needs to be significant and meaningful enough to stick with me. Most of my long term memories are centered around my five senses or a deep flooding of emotions. I know the one thing about me and trauma is that I rarely gave myself permission to accept the fact that something happened to me, because I was always cognizant that someone somewhere else was struggling with the same thing, but on a deeper level. I learned a few years back this has a term – comparative suffering. What I did not know in the past is that while my perception may be valid, it does not negate my trauma. I should still allow myself to feel what I’m feeling and express what needs to be expressed.
A perfect example of this is my role during the pandemic. At the height of it, I was managing an outpatient cardiovascular pre-op/post-op unit. All of our non-essentials were shut down. Since I was a leader, I couldn’t just take off and go work in New York or Seattle. Actually, I guess I could have…did not seem like a feasible option at the time. I also felt a responsibility to be present for my staff, one of which volunteered to loan her previous critical care experience to ground zero, the intensive care unit. I was grateful because I was somewhat sheltered from the frontline experience. However, I also felt guilty that I did not try to be more involved at the nucleus. We lost many colleagues. I lost a cousin. She was a respiratory therapist. It was a sad time, yet somehow, the bus just kept rolling.
During my second session, we dove deeper into some pivotal events and worked on S.M.A.R.T. goals for the professional, personal relationships, physical, and spiritual areas of my life. I’ve been an online student since 2015 y’all, so if I know how to do anything, it’s write a S.M.A.R.T. goal! I think they actually keep me progressing. If I go off track, I’ll have to rearrange everything, and that annoys me, my intricately scribed planner, and the dozens of dated sticky notes that adorn my office, bathroom and dining room table. Tomorrow, I’ll share those goals. Please keep in mind that I am an introvert. I give of myself and connect with others in rations to prevent the risk of becoming totally depleted.
“For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for prosperity and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11 NASB 2020
